5 Most Ridiculous Moments in the Oscar Nominated Films: #5

Let me start by saying that I'm a playwright and have a degree in theatre. This does not mean that I "know more about whether a movie is good or not" than the average person, as I've heard so many say when they're hesitant to say why they did or did not like a certain film. There's no amount of training or experience that can enable one to say definitively if a piece of art is good or not. What my background does provide, however, is *some* insight into *some* of the tricks of the trade.

As a playwright, director, and producer, I hold myself to a very high standard or artistic quality. Though I rarely, if ever, reach the standards to which I strive, I do expect that other professionals will achieve them—especially professionals that are being paid such huge amounts and showered with critical accolades and industry awards.

And when I see professional, critically-acclaimed work that falls short, I get frustrated. Very frustrated. Probably more than is healthy.

It's not as bad as it may seem. I certainly have a healthy respect for work that is consistent in its mediocrity, or work that to others may be really wonderful, but just doesn't connect with me. Those are not the problems. For me, the problems lie in these areas (in any and all orders):

• Plot traps with silly escapes 
• Laziness 
• Egregiously bad choices 
• Indulgent sap 
• Targeting the Lowest Common Denominator 

Some of these may overlap at times, but they are, at their core, very distinct, and the basis on which I have created this list of the five most ridiculous moments in this year's Oscar-nominated films.

5.) The Magically Huge Eagles Rescue Everyone From the Trees!

I liked The Lord of the Rings trilogy, but I wanted to like it much more than I actually did. Sure, it was beautiful to watch, but what kept nagging me during the films was the repetition. From a top-level outline-of-events view, each of the films in that trilogy are the same. The difference lies with the ultimate plot trap in the final film, where everyone good is certain to be defeated by the bad guys. They are, after all, outnumbered 3 million to one. Tolkien and Jackson don't seem to believe in subtle stakes, nor do they seem to be able to trust their audience to believe in them, either. But whatever. This is a fantasy, so we must accept the absurd and up the ante with more absurdity.

Enter the ghosts. You remember them, the ones we were afraid of because no one knew them, or no one had survived meeting them, or something. I don't remember because I didn't care. So to rescue our heroes from certain 300-million-to-1 odds of death, Tolkien gets out of his plot trap by having the ghosts kill all the bad guys. And then they don't have to be ghosts anymore. Or something. What utter nonsense.

Except what's most frustrating is that it works. It all has symbolic meaning about defeating the odds and actually contributes to the story of what's-his-name being the king. So all is forgiven. Lord of the Rings is great.

And then came The Hobbit. For over two hours we get to watch the midget version of the Lord of the Rings. The plot is similar, I think, though it doesn't much matter. The battles are all very similar to those we've seen in the first trilogy, and all the characters are as who-cares as before. And, we're as invested as before. We know they'll fight or talk their way out of any jam, and not because we know they're making two more movies. And not because we know that Bilbo and Gandalf will be ok, since they're in Lord of the Rings. We know they'll be ok because the "Unexpected Journey" is Bilbo's discovery of himself as someone who is more than he thought he could be (not entirely dissimilar to Lord of the Rings, but whatever). And it's not just Bilbo's journey, it's the dwarfs’ journey, too. They will discover things about themselves that we'll not even have time to get to, even in the assumed close-to-10-hour running time this trilogy will be. And all of that discovery is great. And negated by one stupid, stupid ending.

Just as the gang is facing certain death from the bad guys du jour, Gandalf whispers to a butterfly.

—No, no. You read that right. A butterfly.—

The butterfly flies away and, just as death is drawing near, the Food of the Gods-sized eagles come and grab all our heroes and fly them off to safety. The eagles, you see, were summoned by the butterfly.

Not only do the eagles fly them to safety, they set our heroes on top of a rock way the fuck up high on a mountain.

(the caption says: "This little speck is Bilbo.")

This mountaintop rock is very picturesque, and not only because the picture is created by CGI. It’s a beautiful view of the land with another snow-capped mountain way off in the distance.

The same mountain, by the way, that the heroes are trying to get to.
The same mountain, by the way, that the EAGLES COULD HAVE FLOWN THEM TO.

Ridiculous. I wonder if the next film will be called "The Hobbit: We Should've Flown Eagle Airways to This Goddamned Mountain."